Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble