it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien