Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”