ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Is this you?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..