ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
(by @ZachWeiner )
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point