If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh