Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
He’s cranky this morning
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.