This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry