Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
⛄️
Great game to play with friends
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.