Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Remember folks 😂
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?