Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.