[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
(Gaming support cat.)
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
being a writer on Twitter:
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Oceanography is all about current events
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?