[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
When I snag the last meatball.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
LOL
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN