You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.