When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.