Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Saturday
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?