Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal