“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read