*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science