*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
You Might Also Like
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.