“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Pikachu found the lost joint
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.