Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
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Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
who did the taste test?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers