The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.