I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*limbos away from your hug*
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.