We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Perfect
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.