A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat