She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
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If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.