Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality