My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
12653.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.