My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
sry
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.