He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.