[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics