Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste