5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.