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“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Last-minute gift idea!
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
im 7 sauces long
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.