Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.