Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.