“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad