Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Battery falling down a hole
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?