He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*gets down on one knee*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?