dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
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Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.