WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Omg 🤣
everyone’s a critic
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes