[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.