The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.