[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken