People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
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[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
i love modern commerce
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.