*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
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College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Actually cracking up @ this
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.