Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
You Might Also Like
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Happy Friday
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.