[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Happy Febuary everyone!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.