If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
August 8
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.